Value of Truth

Sometimes it only takes one lie to kill a year worth of honesty.  People put too much value on their own stupid pride to be honest with others and it does them no good especially when the lie is found out.  People need to realize that lies are not just about saying something that is false but so much more than that.  A lie can be the omission of information, can be the opposite action of words spoken, or simply can be an action that negates the words spoken. 

For a lot of people, the number one lie that someone will say is in their mind is, “I love you”.  Those words have so less value in this day and time because of those devious people who keep it as a way of keeping someone.  Who use those words as a means of making someone feel or believe in something that will not be chosen.  Yes there is a choice in love.  You do not really control who you fall for or who you connect to and that is why love is hard sometimes.  The other reason why it is hard is because people choose to make it so.  Tell someone you love them and can not see your life without them yet you are holding yourself back, acting out of fear with them, or not even showing emotion towards them in many senses simply because you choose not to.  Safe to say that someone you alientate from many parts of you is not someone who will feel any love from you in those matters.  Love is an all around emotion especially in a romantic sense.  The misuse of love, needs, and wants are some of the biggest lies that always happen. 

The second biggest lie is double standards.   Granted this is more of an action but the reason that is can be a lie is because their actions show that something is okay and truth when they do it.  However on the opposite side it becomes false and wrong when it done to them so either their acceptance of the action is a lie or their attitude towards the action occurring to them is a lie.  Either way these type of people always will hurt someone else and especially those that they say they love because they refuse to see themselves for who they really are and live only off of their prideful self conception. 

Understanding does not exist in this world anymore because people live in love with the excuses they make in life.  Instead of accepting responsibility for anything, an excuse is made and acceptable because there is always a reason outside of the real reason something happened:  you chose to do so.  Majority of society is cowards and wonder why they are still the same and going through the same stuff.  Being too scared to be the person you wish to be or branch out from being someone you do not like is stupid and painful.  So many people are purposely hurting themselves but blame the world. 
So here are some blunt truths for everyone and I can guarantee that it will be a lot of opposition to some of these and that just goes back to my earlier point.  First, actions speak louder than words.  Fear is your own worst enemy.  You can not go through life scared of being hurt because then you are setting yourself up to be hurt.  Anything that you do or do not is your choice and reflects more about you than anyone else.  The person you truly are is how you act and think about acting when there is no one around.  We have no right to judge anyone else.  It is stupid to not trust anyone.  Love does matter.  Compromise is necessary not conformity.  You can not change anyone or make them do anything, you only control yourself.  Everyone is selfish.  No one will ever be perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes, does wrong, and hurts others with their knowing they did it and not knowing they did it and some more than others.  Change is easy when you know yourself and you are honest with yourself.  The world is real and yes it may suck at times.  Success is always within your grasp.  People who you can not grow with are holding you back. 

Lastly life is not promised, it is short and fleeting so why hold back and create regrets.  Live life to the fullest while you can.

Back There

Way way back
Further than you can imagine
Far far away in the back
That’s where I live in peace and pain
No different from what I say life is
I listen where you do not
Learn one thing about me then learn this
I know myself truly better where you do not
You lie to yourself
Wish to live in false reality
You rather see no stress
Rather live life happy falsely
Why do you see your strength
Then push it aside
Because to grab hold of it you must become tense
So worried about the easy route and your pride
Your bad decisions come from neglect
Your lack of focus on what is essential
For your own self you lack so must respect
Every other moment forgetting about yourbown potential
You have the be the one cemented in it
No matter how much anyone pushes
You have to root yourself in the cement
Of your own power that exists
Acknowledge the great connection only you own
You do not like it or willingly accept or grasp
The huge potential this connection has shown
So held up with your wall, you will let it pass
You are not ready for what you seek
You have to take the trials to prepare yourself
Would much rather skip it all and receive
Everything you desire on a platter on a platter prepared
In the back
Far back there
Away from it all and on track
My heart is aware
The same as my mind knows
My heart receives the same vibe
My mind will show
All that my heart has confined
I do not want to live lies so I know myself
Better than most I know I hold
Back so much of myself
So much potential is powerless as I fold
I need my reality to exist
I need the desires of back there to come to the front
Like the student proud of his accomplishment
I need what is back there to live proudly in the front
Not hide from the world because it is unaccepted
As the truth as what I need as what I feel
It is like living daily tormented
Because my belief and truth in my heart is like a cheap thrill
I used to believe in my dreams coming true
I no longer do
My dreams are a lie to all of you
Those who I love and care for, all of you
That mentality is what kills dreams in hearts
Not all have to be of successful careers and education
There are different yearnings and different parts
Of what happiness can be at the conception
Mine involves so much more than my success in school and work
Even with all that done then what do I come home to
Empty space, a building devoid of love and life, torture
I ask myself what am I working so hard and up to?
There is no answer in front of me because no one stands with me
I’m alone in how I feel and the belief of what my heart knows
Going through the motions of ability to succeed
To reach a destination that I already know how it goes
Same place I am right now is the goal I see in my sight
How much more confident does that make the work feel?
To see the same pain is where you are fighting to reach with all your might
All of your strength and determination, that goal, will steal
This is all back there
Way back where most ignore
I live and together we implore
For something to change for the better of us
For all that is back there to move up here

Why am I here?

If all I know is pain
Disregard
Hate
Being unwanted
being lost
Empty
Incomplete
Dead inside
Alone
What’s the point
There
Is
None
But the one in front of me
I can stare down the tip of
Shiny
Gleaming
Looking more like salvation
The more I stare into the brilliance of it
One sharp move
All will be silenced
No more pain
No more grief
No more wondering
Each person has their own life
I get that
Why can I never be a part?
Outsider
Deserted
Left in the dirt
Only to be dug up
When used
I am a tool
I do not have to be
I should use this tool
Tool of my peace
Missed nope
Shamed hardly
Questioned doubt it
My emotions have never been priority
It would end the questions
I have
For I would have an answer
You no longer are here
You are gone

Chest Pains

Feeling complete
Releases pain
Gives peace
Gives life a claim
Feeling empty
Is like living in darkness
With your eyes open
And they never shut
Feeling incomplete again
With no hope of returning
Whole once more
Kills you every second yearning
For answers
For questions
For things just to have
Been the same
For one more day
And then the next after that
Losing a rib
Is excruciating
Double over type pain
Can not stand
Can not move
Can no longer reign
Proudly as any type of victorious one
There lies no honor
In being the discarded one
So every second
The bone is always being torn
From the inside of your body
Metaphysical in it’s form
No rest comes
No peace found
Doctors will not have the answer
All you will become is a lie
I’m fine
I’m okay
It’s cool
I’m alright
Translate into
I feel dead inside
I hate my existence
It hurts to feel life
Why is pain the only reason I am alive
The most intense pain
It is true about death
From a broken heart
If love can sustain you
Love can destroy you
It can renew you
It can remove you
Clench down
Brace myself
On a scale of one to ten
I constantly live with a 12
All by myself

Don’t

Please.
Don’t.
Don’t ask me.
I don’t want to lie to you.
I would rather not be him to you.
Please
I beg of you
Don’t ask me
Don’t worry
Don’t inquire
It will only cause you pain
Take down my guard
Break me down more
I know now
I know honestly now
How the movies can film the split
Of the mind
Of the soul
The torment felt
The way a person wants to lash out
Scream
Break and destroy
And all in the same breath
Cry
Uncontrollable
die
Slowly and painfully
Quit
And give up on everything
So
Please
Don’t
Don’t ask
You already know the answer

My Back

Take a blow to the heart
And fall
No one to brace me
I’m on my own
I did my best
I know I’m not perfect
I did all I could do
And it did not matter a bit
Maybe it did for a moment
I lost though
In the end that is the final score
I am beaten and sore
Not as a prize to be won
Never am I saying that
So much of me was riding on this
A lot of which I can not get back
The end result
Is all that mattered
Choice was made
I’m not wanted
So now that it is complete
How much farther will this pain increase
from my neck feeling like it will snap
To my heartbeat crawling to a soft tap
Or a demand on the facts such as
I have not been able to breathe right for weeks such as
I have probably had a couple of minor heart attacks such as
My body has not stopped being in pain in months
Who needs suicide just being alive is enough
Being alive and needing and wanting peace
Is enough to kill me apparently
because as I keep fighting for it
My body keeps paying for it
Because I am unwanted and tossed aside
Yeah I will say it makes sense for my faith to slide
Been told I can have anything I want if I fight
If I work hard enough at it with all my might
Obviously my all is not enough and what can I say
Because now I am paralyzed all the way
From my back not being supported by love and life
But being torn apart always with heartache and tears of strife

Endure

So God might I ask you what am I enduring for?
To what credit does this pain give me?
What am I standing here in the storm always for?
There is no shelter there are not even trees
What am I doing here always being so good for others and alone in the end of it all?
What do I have dedication for if it means nothing to anyone?
All I get is when times get hard I will be in my own when I fall
Because I’m already on my back now and begging for you to send someone
You give me visions of glory and happiness and then steal them away in the light
My body is so wrecked and destroyed that it doesn’t even feel rest at night
So I ask you again what am I here to endure for?
For something more than a connection out of this world?
You know all my needs and desires and majority of those are stolen away from me
How am I a blessing to come back but then I’m stuck here watching as she chooses again to leave
Is this what you reminded me my love is for?
For the torment of my soul and to cry out for love nevermore
Why must I always be in so much pain and be reviled and unwanted?
Why must I always be the one with all trials of the heart where I’m supposed to remain undaunted?
This can not be what you mean by endure constantly
This can not mean you want me to continue life selflessly
For what purposes will this serve me I already now want no other
Are you going to make someone create in me something that I only found in that lover?
I have lost the will to fight for happiness because it has been stripped away by free will
Even though I still may stand, walk, and talk inside my heart was just killed
So with what left can I endure?
God I’m begging you to answer me because I am so unsure

Tear Deeper

It is one of those moments where truth is present but not recognized because of pride
Those times when you are being the best you can be for someone but it does not matter on the inside
The only thing that matters is the way the situation ideally would occur
The difference in opinions and views by defensive tactics painful words are hurled
In meanings of retribution and disdain these remarks are tossed
not taking into consideration the real consequences of loss
The worst part about these moments is that there is no resolution
The pain remains and conversation is left out of the solution
Remaining the same it continues on and the mind can only wonder about the future
Is there really a future when it comes to differences, both stances remain neutral
Not in the manner of not acting but in the sense that concession has become futile
Understanding is needed and sometimes for that to happen it hurts
It hurts not only the person needing to listen but the person leading the way through the course
Deep inside always lies the truth of situations and most often we hide from it
We hide from the fact of things not being the way we want our pieces to fit
Little shreds of paper that we tear apart as we go through life
There always will come a time when we need to tear deeper to get through all of the strife

Exclusive

This is the title that has been on my mind for about a week now and yet the words have not flowed out the way in which I would prefer.  So I will just take it like I tell others to do and just let my heart flow and be glad with what is said. 

True enough I have been a nice guy for the most part of my life and I have took pride in it in ways.  I will say I probably have been more humble than most would suggest I be.  I really can’t help that on various levels but that is not what is on my mind.  What I am thinking of is the method in which I have been this man.  I have always wanted to be helpful and make the lady I am with happy and to smile.  I gained enjoyment from seeing them happy. 

Then things got different.  I do not only want to see her happy from things that I do for her but from what she does for her in her own life.  I want her to grow and reach the potential she has that I see within her.  When I was younger I will say that majority of the women I was in a relationship was because of physical attraction and their attraction to me and my talents.  There was no real connection to each other outside of that in majority of them maybe one or two but the rest not at all.  This could be part of the reason why they didn’t last as long as they did as well. 

I noticed a difference once I got into college because it was something else that made me want to talk to someone.  It was various different women that I found attractive or could say I “like” because of how they look but it wasn’t so many of them that I would even attempt to pursue in that manner.  I did get involved with someone and it became slightly serious for both of us but I never saw it as something I wanted to make last for the rest of my life.  I did want to help her and wanted her to do better for herself as well as her family.  I believe in ways I felt more protective of the children than her. 

Then I got a child of my own and for a while there I was focused on making sure she had the contemporary family but that was out of my hands.  There is nothing that I will not do for my daughter and I will protect her with my life.  I want to show her everything that’s possible and teach her everything that I know and have her be able to learn more than that as well.  I want to instill in her all of the things that I gained as a child. 

Then came you and it was a different type of occurrence.   With you we were in a social gathering that I was comfortable in but I was just there and enjoying the atmosphere we didn’t communicate a great deal there but I did notice you.  When we started talking the entire time there was a part of my head saying don’t do it and to leave you alone.  On the other hand,  there was a smaller voice saying stay around, be patient, endure and just be yourself.  That is what I chose to follow and we grew together and things started progressing but I noticed a difference in how I felt about you than anyone else before.  I put you in the same category as my daughter to where no one messes with you and I am protective over you with my life.  I want to take care of you and I mean like in all manners.  I want to be your provider in life and love.  That’s different for me in ways because I want to seriously take on the weight of yours and my world on my shoulders and make it work. 

At first I thought this was just part of my evolution to being someone else and when things didn’t go the way it should I figured that those feelings were now a part of me for the next person I was to be with.  I was wrong.  With you it was part of my passion and part of my spirit to want to do for you and take care of you in all manners.  Anyone else I had to force myself to think of being that way with them in all regards.  I did not really want to be that man with anyone else, there was no connection to me.  There was no deeper connection and that kept me wanting to keep talking to them let alone pursue anything any deeper than attraction.  Not that there was anything wrong with them as individuals just nothing there for me. 

What I have come to realize is that all of these feelings and actions are exclusive to you alone.  While I might have experimented with being the same person for others I hated it and felt empty while doing it and hated it every time I forced myself to do so.  It felt like killing myself consistently.   When you came back into my life it became clearer to me because the hole that was missing in my heart and soul was filled and it was from just simple conversation and such.  I know for me you are the woman I need in my life and the only woman I want to spend my life with.  This revelation came through a great amount of prayer and a great deal of God tugging at my heart and my being.  Obviously it is not an easy revelation but what I realized is that the way I treat you is only for you and that includes everything about it.  You are more important to me than my own existence and in my mind on the same level as my daughter and you know there is nothing I will not do to protect and take care of you both.  God was right long ago when he said the woman for me would make me better than I have ever been and that’s what I have been with you once I stopped lying to myself and came real with what it is.  Truth be told, I will not be this great with anyone else but you.  Anyone else I will purely settling and they will not have me at my best so why would I pursue others.  I’m not the type of man that just goes for a purely physical relationship so I will just wait until the truth hits you and you really that even before you agree I’m already exclusive to you. 

Empty Victory

Ever just feel like you had a victory in life or some type of accomplishment

then you look around and notice there is no one to celebrate with

your triumph feels like a downfall

you become sullen and lack the feeling of being enthralled

That moment just hit right now

right this instant

predicted before I even saw it

and yet and still I know it right now

Ever just felt like you made a victory

but you feel so alone that it means nothing.